July 12, 2008

Three Skills to Improve Conversation

One key to becoming a great conversationalist is to pause before replying.
A short pause, of three to five seconds, is a very classy thing to do in a
conversation. When you pause, you accomplish three goals simultaneously.

The Benefits of Pausing
First, you avoid running the risk of interrupting if the other person is
just catching his or her breath before continuing. Second, you show the
other person that you are giving careful consideration to his or her words
by not jumping in with your own comments at the earliest opportunity. The
third benefit of pausing is that you will actually hear the other person
better. His or her words will soak into a deeper level of your mind and you
will understand what he or she is saying with greater clarity. By pausing,
you mark yourself as a brilliant conversationalist.

Ask Questions
Another way to become a great conversationalist is to question for
clarification. Never assume that you understand what the person is saying
or trying to say. Instead, ask, "How do you mean, exactly?"

This is the most powerful question I've ever learned for controlling a
conversation. It is almost impossible not to answer. When you ask, "How do
you mean?" the other person cannot stop himself or herself from answering
more extensively. You can then follow up with other open-ended questions
and keep the conversation rolling along.

Paraphrase the Speaker's Words
The third way to become a great conversationalist is to paraphrase the
speaker's words in your own words. After you've nodded and smiled, you can
then say, "Let me see if I've got this right. What you're saying is . . ."

Demonstrate Attentiveness
By paraphrasing the speaker's words, you demonstrate in no uncertain terms
that you are genuinely paying attention and making every effort to
understand his or her thoughts or feelings. And the wonderful thing is,
when you practice effective listening, other people will begin to find you
fascinating. They will want to be around you. They will feel relaxed and
happy in your presence.

Listening Builds Trust
The reason why listening is such a powerful tool in developing the art and
skill of conversation is because listening builds trust. The more you
listen to another person, the more he or she trusts you and believes in you.

Listening also builds self-esteem. When you listen attentively to another
person, his or her self-esteem will naturally increase.

Listening Develops Discipline
Finally, listening builds self-discipline in the listener. Because your
mind can process words at 500-600 words per minute, and we can only talk at
about 150 words per minute, it takes a real effort to keep your attention
focused on another person's words. If you do not practice self-discipline
in conversation, your mind will wander in a hundred different directions.
The more you work at paying close attention to what the other person is
saying, the more self-disciplined you will become. In other words, by
learning to listen well, you actually develop your own character and your
own personality.

Action Exercises
Here are two things you can do immediately to put these ideas into action.

First, make a habit of pausing before replying in any conversation or
discussion. You will be amazed at how powerful this technique really is.

Second, continually ask, "How do you mean?" in response to anything that is
not perfectly clear. This gives you even more time to listen well.

By: Brian Tracy

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