July 12, 2008

"I can never forgive him for that."

When Abigail was asked about her father, she wryly said, "I use
to miss him, but now my aim is better." Welcoming the opportunity
to vent, she explained how her father cruelly taunted her as a
child. She was constantly belittled and ridiculed and made to
feel worthless. "I can never forgive him for that." she went on
to add.

But which is more tragic, the alleged maltreatment Abigail
experienced as a child or her inability to forgive her dad? She
has been holding on to resentment for more than half a century!
By refusing to forgive her father, she is insisting on punishing
herself. Her anger toward her father is understandable, for
hatred is a vulnerable child's revenge for being intimated.

But Abigail is no longer a child. She can start thinking like an
adult by releasing her tight grip on painful childhood memories.
Yes, her father may have betrayed her, but today she betrays
herself by sucking the life out of herself and ruining her own
chance for happiness. How can anger and resentment help us?
Aren't they toxic? For those who refuse to forgive, Confucius
(BCE 551 ~ 479) issued this grave warning, "Before you embark on
a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

But how do we forgive others for the pain they have caused us? No
one taught us how in school. Besides, although there are many
logical arguments for forgiveness, logic has little power to
defeat emotional beliefs. It would help if we could recognize
that although we cannot change the past, we can change our
attitude toward it. But this too is a logical argument, so there
is little likelihood of it healing an extremely painful past.
Applying a sprinkling of logic to an emotionally painful past is
like applying a small band aid to third-degree burns.

Does that mean there is no hope for recovery? Not at all. In the
last 30 years, new and powerful tools have emerged that have made
personal transformation easier than ever.

If you have computer experience, you may have tried to save a new
file with the same name as an older file. When trying to do so,
you will usually be warned that if you continue, the new file
will overwrite the old one. That is, the new file will replace
the old one, and the old one will be erased from the computer's
memory.

Isn't our brain a computer? Aren't our memories files? Why not
overwrite painful memories (files)? To practice the "Overwriting
Your Past" application, we first have to place ourselves in the
alpha state (a state of relaxation). The instructions on how to
do so appeared in the previous issue, but for the benefit of
those who missed it, I am repeating them here (steps 1 ~ 3).

1. Find a place where you will not be disturbed. Shake out body
tension. Be seated and get as comfortable as possible. Close your
eyes and take three deep breaths.

2. Slowly inhale and imagine the number three flashing three
times as you slowly breathe out. Repeat this for number two (see
it flashing three times as you slowly exhale). Next, repeat this
for number one.

3. Imagine sitting before a black curtain with a bowl of white
numbers (1 ~ 10) at your side. Reach into the bowl, take out
number one, stick it onto the curtain, and then remove it. Repeat
this with number two, continuing until you have done all ten
numbers.

Steps 1 ~ 3 remove your thoughts from the cares of the day, help
you enter a relaxed state (alpha), and prepare your mind to focus
on the "Overwriting Your Past" exercise. At this point you will
be prepared for the next step.

4. In your mind's eye or imagination, relive the painful memory.
Turn it into a movie. Watch it from beginning to end.

5. Now that it is a movie, play it in reverse. Try it in slow
motion and fast rewind.

6. Now play it in fast-forward. Notice how it takes on the almost
comical appearance of an old silent film.

7. Add music to your movie and change the scene to a carnival or
Mardi Gras atmosphere. Watch it in fast-forward and reverse.

8. Add props. Do you remember those funny plastic eyeglasses with
huge eyebrows and a huge nose? Place one on the antagonist in
your movie (in Abigail's case, she would see her father wearing
these ridiculous eyeglasses as he belittles her). Dress the
antagonist in an outrageous costume (perhaps as a clown). Watch
this new version of your movie in forward and reverse.
Tinker with the speed if you wish.

9. Add character voices to your movie. Change the lips of your
antagonist to the bill of a duck and give him or her a Donald or
Daffy Duck voice. Watch your new movie in forward and reverse.
Give the villain of your movie any other absurd voice you can
think of. Watch and enjoy!

As you practice the "Overwriting Your Past" application, you will
find that your original painful experience will slowly be
transformed into something funny. If not funny, something so
ridiculous that it is powerless to harm you.

Practice this application for 30 minutes a day for as long as
needed, which should be no longer than two or three weeks. Thirty
minutes a day for 21 days works out to just ten and a half hours.
That's less than half a day's work to end a problem that plagued
Abigail for more than 50 years! How powerful is this application?
If all you do is read about it, it is powerless to help. But if
you follow the steps and apply it to your life, like other NLP
tools, it is life transformational.

Do you, like Abigail, have a disturbing memory that haunts you
and holds you back from enjoying the limitless freedom and
happiness you deserve? If so, why not rewrite your life? Why not
overwrite your past? Why not set yourself free? After all, all
you have to lose is the chain that is holding you back.

Despite the usefulness and power of the "Overwrite Your Past"
application, it is not always the best approach for everyone.
After all, even in conventional and integrative medicine,
patients respond differently to the same form of treatment. So,
the more weapons in your arsenal or arrows in your quiver, the
greater your likelihood of success. With that aim in mind, here
are more techniques to cleanse you from the toxicity of holding a
grudge. I'll divide the techniques into three groups:
Compassionate, Psychological, and Spiritual.

1. Compassionate
a) The Deathbed Visualization. Buddha asked, if you realize
everyone will die, how can you treat them cruelly? With that
thought in mind, Buddhist monks practice a 'Deathbed
Visualization.' That is, if they are the object of cruelty, they
imagine the perpetrator on his or her deathbed. Such an image
evokes compassion rather than anger. Don't those who are drowning
flail about wildly? They don't wish to drown their rescuers;
their wild behavior is caused by their desperate attempts to
survive. So it is with those who are cruel to us. They are on
their deathbed. Confused, they are drowning in the sea of life,
wildly flailing about, wildly striking out, desperately trying to
survive in the only way they know how. With this realization, how
can we be angry with them? How can we refuse to forgive them?


b) The Loving Kindness Meditation. One of the best ways to
cultivate forgiveness is through the Buddhist Loving Kindness
Meditation. Fortunately, there is much information dealing with
this subject on the Internet. For simple instructions on how to
perform this meditation, visit:
http://dharma.ncf.ca/introduction/instructions/metta.html. To
listen to an example, play the audio file of a Loving Kindness
Mediation that is at:
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/32/story_3248_1.html#.

2. Psychological
a) Understanding the Cause of Pain. A kicked dog bites not
because it is vicious, but because it is defending itself.
Similarly, most of the people who act cruelly do so not because
they are mean-spirited, but because, like the dog, they have been
injured in the past and remain in emotional pain.

Whenever we have to bear the brunt of a cruel remark, it helps to
ask ourselves, "What could have happened to make that person act
that way?" By reminding ourselves that cruelty flows from pain,
it becomes far easier to forgive.

b) People Just Do Their Best under the Circumstances. We are not
perfect. Sometimes we act stupidly and hurt others. Not because
we're bad, but because we do the best we can at any particular
time. If we cannot control our own behavior, how can we become
offended by someone who is guilty of the same offense? Here's a
good habit to get into: whenever someone offends you, in your
mind state the offense and add the phase "just like me." For
example, if someone is upsetting you because they are hogging the
conversation and not giving you a chance to speak, rather than
getting upset, say to yourself, "They are hogging the
conversation and not giving others a chance to speak... just like
me." You see, the plain truth is what we don't like about others
is what we don't like about ourselves. But because we don't like
to admit our faults (even if it is only to ourself), we project
them on others. Take advantage of this fact by using the world as
a mirror for self- improvement. In other words, when you don't
like the behavior of others, repeat the "...just like me."
sentence in your mind, and in your heart thank them for pointing
out an area that you can improve on.

c) Understand the Cause of Your Pain Is Not the External World,
but Your Internal World. Most of us are somewhat fragmented. It
is almost like having multiple personalities. There is the person
we REALLY are, the person we THINK we are, and the person we
PRETEND to be.

Also, for a detailed look at our fragmented, many selves and how
to heal or integrate them, see: THE MISSING PIECE, Solving the
Puzzle of Self, by Claudia Black, Ph.D. and Leslie Drozd, Ph.D.,
Ballantine Books, 1995. By learning how to forgive ourselves, we
will become well equipped to forgive others.

d) Hypnosis. Another tool employed by NLP Practitioners is
hypnosis. If you're looking for a good, FREE, software package
that will hypnotize you, give you hypnotic suggestions (that you
can edit or create), and wake you up, look no further than
Virtual Hypnotist. You can learn all about it and download it at:
http://vhypno.sourceforge.net/. You can use self-hypnosis to
improve yourself in all areas of life. But before embarking on an
auto-hypnosis odyssey, be sure to study the basics. One book that
will give you a solid and comprehensive view of hypnosis is
"SELF-HYPNOSIS for the Life You Want" by Charles E. Henderson,
Ph.D., Biocentrix, 2003.

3. Spiritual
a) Acceptance. The main teaching of Buddhism and Taoism is
acceptance. That is, we accept what cannot be changed. No
complaints, no whining, no struggle. On the contrary, we embrace
what is and "go with the flow." If we unconditionally accept
everyone we deal with, there will be no need for forgiveness.
What's more, when we accept life, rather than fight against it,
we will not experience frustration and bitterness.

b) Transcendence. The spiritual path is one of transcendence.
That is, we seek to become more than we are, greater than we are,
nobler than we are. What better way to uplift ourselves and
change desperation into inspiration than by forgiveness? For as
Edwin Hubbel Chapin (1814 ~ 1880) wrote, "Never does the human
soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and
dares to forgive an injury." Consider also the following words
found in Hindu scripture (the Mahabharata), "Forgiveness subdues
all in this world; what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve?
What can a wicked person do unto him who carries the sabre
(saber) of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the grassless
ground is extinguished of itself. An unforgiving individual
defiles himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one
highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge
is one supreme contentment; and benevolence, one sole happiness."

By Chuck Gallozzi

No comments: